I once saw a picture on facebook, of course, that had said something to the extent that a best friend can always tell if something is wrong. Funny how that works! Even in a text there are about four people in my life (family excluded) that can just tell when things aren't quite right with me, and it made me think. About strength.
My strength is something I am proud of, both physical and emotional. Physically, I believe, I am a strong girl. No, I am not a professional weigh-lifter or body-builder, so I am not THAT strong; however, I am strong enough to lift, carry and move things that other women my age are not. No, I am not stronger than everyone, but I am strong enough to be happy with it.
My emotional strength is comforting to me. If you have read many of the things I've posted through the past year, I have experienced many life changing events. With each of these things, I have been able to pick myself back up and keep going. With each devastating tragedy that has occurred, I haven't stayed down long. Life is just too short to live unhappy, sad, or troubled.
I have to admit, though, there are days when all of my optimism just doesn't cut it and the joyful memories I have make me miss my mother terribly. The other day was one of those days. As I was decorating, unpacking boxes and putting my house back together from having my new carpets and hard wood floors put in, I came across my father's last Christmas letter. I had kept it, knowing that the information held there was important to me. It captured some of the positive things that year in 2001. But it's funny how this letter, putting out my mom's baskets and thinking about Christmas, can trigger memories you haven't thought about in years. Thinking about the last time I held my mom's hand, thinking of the time she asked me if I ever shut up, thinking of the time I had to get her ready for Christmas, thinking of the times we decorated the tree together growing up and listened to my favorite Christmas songs. Just thinking about a rush of positive and heart-wrenching memories all at once. These are the times I get down. Remembering all these things makes me miss her terribly. I try not to be selfish and want her back. I know that she's so much more comfortable now, no pain, no cancer, no burdens, no worries. I couldn't wish her back in those conditions even if it was possible, I wouldn't want her to suffer for my desire to see her. With all of these thoughts tears come, and overwhelm my vision.
And you wanna know something? It pisses me off! Lol, I just can't stand to be that down. Today, I sit and laugh at how down I was yesterday and wonder why I let myself get that way. I have the emotional strength to get through that, I am strong. And it's funny, I sit here knowing how hypocritical I am. I would tell any of you going through any situation that sometimes you have to cry, sometimes you are going to have those days, sometimes, you just have to let go - it heals you. But I'm not allowed. I would listen to any of my friends, relate to them, share stories of sadness and joys, and encourage them to lean on me. But I'm not allowed. Three times yesterday, people reached out to me and allowed me to lean on them, encouraged me, and wanted to support me with their strength. But I find it funny how I don't allow myself that luxury. I don't know whether it is my pride or my independence, but I just don't like to let others hold me through things.
I have to learn to let it happen, and I am thankful for those who are teaching me.....
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