I think I am worse than a guy, lol! I will admit it. I am commitment shy. In my recent post about Matters of the Heart, I indicated that I am ready, so bring it. Well, I am ready to have my heart broken, my feelings hurt and to get angry......
But, I am really, really commitment shy. Maybe commitment isn't the right word - but what I'm afraid of something that kinda comes with the commitment - so....I guess I'm labeling it as commitment shy. So, what am I afraid of?
I am afraid of losing me. Wow! Sigh. There, I said it. I guess now I can shout it from the roof tops! I'm afraid that in another relationship, when I close all the doors and sit in a room by myself that I won't be happy. That when I am all alone I won't feel confident, safe, relieved and happy.
Now, don't get me wrong here, my ex and I certainly had our issues; however, HE, as a person, did not inflict this sense of losing myself upon me....I did. I think my friends and family would say that I am a person who gives my all to them. I am proud of that. But with everything positive, there is a side of negative. I as an optimist don't really focus on this, but today, I will.
Let's say, you (and since I don't know if you, the reader, are a person I know and am friends with, or are a person I have never met, or are even a person that I'm not very keen about, you'll have to play along with me) and I are just becoming friends. Let's say you and I are out walking around in the park somewhere conversating and it starts to rain. Let's say, that I am feeling quite happy and uninhibited. Let's say, I, being me, start singing the song, Singing in the Rain, which is something I do a lot when it rains. Singing that song makes raining a little less saddening to me. And for this post to completely explain what I'm trying to express, let's say you become very embarrassed and tell me not to sing....
I will never sing with you again.
Ever...... never ever....... never.
This is what I'm talking about. I give you my all. I try and do everything to make you happy as a person; to make you feel confident, comfortable and at ease, I will stop doing the things that make me happy, comfortable, confident and at ease. And, sooner or later, I have changed myself to be around you. Not by your choice of wanting me to be someone else, but by my choice of wanting to support you and lift you up. I will do this to the extreme of denying the things that make me happy. Yes, I understand, happiness is a choice. For me, happiness is a choice of actions that increase the feeling. These actions often times can be seen by another person as annoying, embarrassing, and immature. Doing a "good-luck kick" down the hallway on a Friday-payday morning is the best thing ever! Some people, I am sure, think that I am absolutely crazy for it. I do it just to brighten my day, and it brightens my day even more when you laugh - but if you ask me not to do it, I won't ever do it again while I'm with you. Even if it makes me happy.
A relationship does work best if you put the other person first, and I fully plan on doing that; however, I need to find a harmonic balance between putting another person first and saving myself my own happiness. I need to find that person to share in my happiness and like all the crazy, wild, funny, weird things I do. One day, I will find the right person to compliment my style of happiness with his own happiness and smile at the things I do for fun. Until then, I have to admit.....I'm commitment shy. Afraid of losing my happiness, my true core-being, to someone who is embarrassed by my stunning silliness.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Some Say
Some people say that a glass is half empty when it is truly half full. Some people say it is partly cloudy when it is really partly sunny. Some say it is all about perspective.
As I sit here and look at all the negative things I see that have happened in my life, I know I am missing adding things to the list. Yeah, my mom passed away when I was 23. Yeah, my oldest child has Aspergers. Yeah, I got divorced when I was 33. Yeah, I have been through a lot of crap. But this is what some people say.
I say, these experiences, these things that I have endured, these life marring events are truly life lessons. My perspective since my mom had first gotten diagnosed (after my selfish phase was over) has been: I am who I am because of the experiences I've had, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I live with NO regrets.
I am an optimist, an idealist and a person who likes to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Yes, these things can be a fault - however, again, these things are all what some say. I look at my mother passing away and see what a strong and educated woman I have become. My mother has certainly had a positive influence on my life, and without her becoming diagnosed with it the first time, I realize that it might have taken me MANY years to figure out that my parents were smart and had my best interest in mind...
As I sit here and look at all the negative things I see that have happened in my life, I know I am missing adding things to the list. Yeah, my mom passed away when I was 23. Yeah, my oldest child has Aspergers. Yeah, I got divorced when I was 33. Yeah, I have been through a lot of crap. But this is what some people say.
I say, these experiences, these things that I have endured, these life marring events are truly life lessons. My perspective since my mom had first gotten diagnosed (after my selfish phase was over) has been: I am who I am because of the experiences I've had, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I live with NO regrets.
I am an optimist, an idealist and a person who likes to look at the world through rose colored glasses. Yes, these things can be a fault - however, again, these things are all what some say. I look at my mother passing away and see what a strong and educated woman I have become. My mother has certainly had a positive influence on my life, and without her becoming diagnosed with it the first time, I realize that it might have taken me MANY years to figure out that my parents were smart and had my best interest in mind...
Matters of the Heart
My father recently told me, "Missy, be careful. Feelings get hurt, people get angry and hearts get broken." He is so right. I can't question the truthfulness in that statement. He intended to say that to me in reference to me starting dating. My father's wisdom being nothing new to me, I always take it and truly ponder over it. He is, in my mind, very wise.
While pondering, I have had the opportunity to see how this statement is true throughout life. This statement is true, not only for dating, but encompasses the entire capacity of life's relationships. Child/parent, significant other relationships, friendships, all of these relationships can benefit from those words of wisdom.
More importantly though, I asked myself, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I put myself out there to get my feelings hurt, to get angry, or to have my heart broken. This happens often anyway with friends, parents and children, so in essence, why not try to find that person that will share in my happiness?
I have concluded that I fully intend to have my heart-broken. I have that intention because I want to give life my all. To the people who come in and value me and I feel confident enough to call them my friend, to date them, to have a relationship with them, I feel compelled to share my complete self with them. To not shelter myself for fear of them getting angry or being hurt. I am positive I will get angry in life with friends, family and men that I date. I am positive that I will be hurt by those same people. And, in fact, have had my heart broken by those same people as well.
In having my heart broken, I have learned, experienced and been changed into who I am today. I have become a more confident and happier person, even after heart breaks. Walking away from a heart break, I will be able to honestly say, I gave my all, I didn't hold back, and I will learn from this. In my opinion....bring it - I'm ready.
While pondering, I have had the opportunity to see how this statement is true throughout life. This statement is true, not only for dating, but encompasses the entire capacity of life's relationships. Child/parent, significant other relationships, friendships, all of these relationships can benefit from those words of wisdom.
More importantly though, I asked myself, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I put myself out there to get my feelings hurt, to get angry, or to have my heart broken. This happens often anyway with friends, parents and children, so in essence, why not try to find that person that will share in my happiness?
I have concluded that I fully intend to have my heart-broken. I have that intention because I want to give life my all. To the people who come in and value me and I feel confident enough to call them my friend, to date them, to have a relationship with them, I feel compelled to share my complete self with them. To not shelter myself for fear of them getting angry or being hurt. I am positive I will get angry in life with friends, family and men that I date. I am positive that I will be hurt by those same people. And, in fact, have had my heart broken by those same people as well.
In having my heart broken, I have learned, experienced and been changed into who I am today. I have become a more confident and happier person, even after heart breaks. Walking away from a heart break, I will be able to honestly say, I gave my all, I didn't hold back, and I will learn from this. In my opinion....bring it - I'm ready.
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