Insecurities

So, I'm just wondering a little bit about insecurities.... I'm hoping everyone has at least one...I know I have a bazillion.

So, my best friend, Webster, defines insecurity as being not confident or unsure (among a few others, of course, because Webster is good like that, you know?).  Interestingly enough, Webster also comments that insecure can mean not guarded enough.  I'm taking a connection to both of those definitions and wanted to divulge a little quandary of mine.

I AM insecure, and I know it.  I am also confident, and I know it.  Is that an oxymoron? I'd like to explain.

My insecurities are not in myself; however, they are in what others think of me, how others react to me.  Let's take, for example, a dating scenario.  Dating isn't for the weak and insecure, it could seriously make a person batty (ha ha, I thought of you, K.).  Two people meet and know nothing about each other - they don't know rituals, routines, wants, desires, needs, habits, lifestyles, preferences, likes, dislikes, etc.  These two people find a physical attraction, hit it off and start dating.  And so begins a bucket full of insecurities (I hope I'm not alone in thinking this) when one person starts to fall....like fall in like, or like fall in to wanting a person more, or one might say, begin to fall in love.  I start to wonder and over analyze what the silence is, why did that person say that, do they understand my crazy wild sarcasm, what did they mean by that comment, is this the beginning of the end??????

Even in friendships, new and old, these insecurities (at least for me, that is) can find a way to push into the relationship.  Friendships are ever-changing, they grow, and are fueled by need, but maintained by a desire to consistently communicate with that person.  But as they ebb and flow, so begins a bucket full of insecurities....

Given these insecurities, I still am confident.  I know that I am "worth-it" to some people.  I know that I am a good person.  I am confident that I am a good friend, and am confident and happy with who I am.  I don't think I am the best, don't think me cocky....just comfortable knowing I am of value, not riches, but value.

Why, Hello 34

I guess I have to embrace you, 34.  I guess, since you're here, I have to take you in stride.  I guess, I'll celebrate....

34= my favorite number plus 20 years
34= years of life experiences I cannot let go of (good and bad)
34= 18 years of living with my parents and add in a few summers after that
34= 23 years with a loving mother, 10 years missing her
34= 12 years of teaching kids I adore
34= almost 9 years of being a parent
34= 1/2 of my life knowing sign language
34= having had a different last name for a while
34= less than one year of adult dating
34= the blessings of a wonderful family
34= a life long love of music
34= a desire to live life to its fullest
34= a brother who's 40!!  (ha ha, E, I love you!)
34= older cousins who I look up to, respect, and love
34= younger cousins who I look up to, respect and love
34= having wisdom and knowledge that you don't know all there is to know
34= many mistakes and errors
34= many wonderful and unforgettable memories
34= learning experiences daily



34= cheers to many more... 

Prepare yourself!

I found this lovely little piece on Pinterest and thought I could have written it myself....


There comes a point in time where you have to be realistic, yep, even me.  I have baggage.  I talk incessantly (for those of you who know me - stop laughing), and then talk even more when I'm nervous.  I do laugh at the stupidest and weirdest things, my sense of humor is, in my opinion, pretty awesome, lol.  My family is amazing and intense.  My appetite is either HUGE or nonexistent & make myself eat for the sheer necessity of sustenance. I have musical outbursts like crazy that are randomly annoying for people who aren't used to it - I really only know catch phrases from most songs and I LOVE love LOVE to sing....  I dance, we dance, I dance.  I dance in the car (don't worry, I'm safe, well, most of the time), I dance in the classroom, I dance down the hallway, I dance with my own boys, I dance with just about anyone.  I love to do good-luck kicks down the hallway!  My friends are, well, just like my family, are my everything.  I would do anything for any of them in a heartbeat, even at my own expense.  Tears....well, you'll only get tears on a rare occasion and they'll be reluctant - but when you do get them, consider yourself amazing.  My imagination is wild-crazy-fun!  I have an imagination that competes with a child's.  My dreams (well, not the night time ones, I never remember those) my dreams are enormous.  My dreams will not be achieved until after I'm dead and gone....I never want to stop dreaming.  Walks in the rain, together time - any chance I can have!  Random texts.....hahahahahahaha, just thinking of some of the CRAZY texts I've sent.  They absolutely crack me up with their randomness.  Useless arguments, I have to admit it, I'm guilty of them, but most times I come out laughing.  The real me....sometimes is a mess.  


Though all of these things I think can be positive and I am happy and proud of, there are other things (don't you wish I'd tell you) that I just won't mention, that aren't so positive that everyone has, those skeletons in the closet. Soooooo, I guess now that everyone reading this has been forewarned, I have to prepare myself to find that person who is going to appreciate all these crazy things and take me for who I am.


I once read that when you are "on the lookout" you shouldn't waste time.  You should be bettering yourself and preparing yourself to find that person.  Making sure you aren't a public nose-picker or something crazy.  Making sure your eating habits wouldn't mar the life of your future date.  Making sure your everyday apparel won't scare off even the most laid-back prospect out there.  That is what I'm doing right now.  Although, I am not looking anywhere, I am working on becoming the person that will be desired by a person who will accept and take on who I am. 

Regrets - do you have any?

Regret: what's your definition?


One of my philosophies in life is to live without regret.  To me, regret means you'd rather have not had that experience in life, it means that you didn't learn from the mistake you've made, it means you would never "do it again, if you had your life to re-live."  


I have to tell you there are some crazy-stupid things I've done in my past, long ago and oh-so-recent.  I think my stupidest thing might have been a recent attack I had with some glass, or first guy I dated after my divorce.  Stupid, dumb, not so bright, however you choose to describe them, they are the actions of my life, I wouldn't be who I am at this instance without them. Each of these actions have made me a little bit wiser in the way of the world, even though I am not proud, I have learned.


Someone asked me if I regret getting married, when I did, to who I did, those choices I made.  I don't regret getting married to my ex at all.  I don't regret the ups and downs in our marriage or the choices leading up to marriage or divorce.  I wouldn't be the person I am today.  I wouldn't be wise in the ways I am, I wouldn't be as strong, I wouldn't be who he helped me to become.  


There are sure to be more things in life I will do that are not viewed as the best choice, or things I will have to apologize for; however, I refuse to regret.  I refuse to not learn and become stronger from these things.  


This is my point of view, my opinion, and, like anything else in this world, I could be wrong.  But this is the way I choose to live my life. How you live your life is your choice...but I hope you live a life where you have no regrets.

Wowza

There are times in life that you definitely experience a learning curve at a greater level than at other times. Now don't get me wrong, I am a believer of learning something new everyday, however as of late, I feel like I am almost learning something new every waking moment.  I am learning how intelligent about the ways of the world truly was.  Her legacy lives on by what she spoke, how she acted, and her life's work.

ahhhh, to be schooled by her was wonderful...

I was texting a recent interesting person and sent him one of my favorite quips from my grandmother:  "Missy is Missy, Mandi is Mandi and Margaret is Margaret.  People are people, and I'm people!"

What a wise woman she was..."Gram" had so many, many little sayings she used and applied to life so many different times and I love them.  She meant this one in respect to each of us being different, taking different paths, making choices that others may not agree with.  I cannot agree more with her wisdom.  We would often sit and think about the world, and if we only ruled the world how different things would be, but that others may not agree with our decisions.  There's always someone unhappy.  There's always people who don't understand and agree with you or you with them.  In the past six months I have had to accept this more than I'd like to admit.

I have struggled so much with other peoples' choices and understanding why and trying to accept and not judge their choices.  It's been difficult, but I must say at this point I have accepted.

Currently, I am looking at this statement where, I need to admit that, "I am people!" Decisions, life choices, actions, happenings, whatever it may be, not everyone is going to be on the same page.  And, no, it's not the attitude of "I don't care," that I want to explore, it is the idea that I make off-the-wall decisions just like everyone else.  Again, I don't want to say I don't care what you think, because I actually do care. And, I don't want to say that all of my decisions are right - because, HELLO, they aren't...lol, I wish they were...  I want to explore the idea of, right or wrong, although it has taken a while for some, I typically accept people for who and what they are....I definitely want the opposite to happen.

You are you, I am me, people are people, and I am people.... now what are you going to do with it?

Just wondering...