Wake up at three am to the disappointment of a child's brother telling me that said child didn't get money from the tooth fairy, but the tooth is now missing. Woken up five minutes later by not only said child's brother but THEE child himself informing me that I forgot to text the tooth fairy and he really wanted me to do it right now if it wasn't too late.
Happy frickin Wednesday, kids, this is off to a great start.
Alarm goes off at 5:30, and earlier reported young men have now become claimable by discussing issues with me at a relevant hour of the morning. Morning procedures commence while I have an inner struggle urging me to get into the warm shower immediately so I can get my boys off to the appropriate places and I can proceed to work early. That glimmer of hope blew away as I attempted to find clothes to fit my skinny one day, bloated the next, gained some/lost some figure and then followed by my saddened dog shaking and refusing to go to his kennel.
Gabe has made it on the bus and Graham had been dropped off to his dad's house to go to school from there, now - work! Well, school. What's supposed to be my happy place.
I don't quite remember how I started my day, but I do know it was an in office, door closed kind of morning but did include chatting and encouragement with my blessed friend.
Then it's off to the races with students and staff, rushing from location to location completing compelling lessons to encourage students to become learners of our society, all the while filling every spare second with the required paperwork. Completing legal documents around my ten minutes of lunch shared with my coworker in the padded confines of my less than plush school office. Twisting and turning, extinguishing fires and building scaffolds of learning and then.........
A fire drill. Ten minutes of unstructured, but routine moments to get a break but make me late for my next student.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Ten Long Years + 3
It seems like just yesterday, but in all actuality it has been 13 years since I last felt the touch of my mother's skin. Although her life was nothing like anything in the musical/movie RENT, I am constantly thinking of the song Seasons of Love.
May she be joyfully celebrating her eternal life, my mom, Nancy Jo Doepping Hardesty 10/20/1951-12/29/2001
I have been working on this post off and on for over three years. With people all around me losing someone close to them, it's easy to shovel out advice on how to grieve, and get through. But, that advice is worth the paper it's written on, or in this case the price of the blog you read. I have found that everyone grieves differently. People say there are seven stages in grief, and that you can go through all of them at different times and go back through them, too. Ya' know what I haven't found though, the expiration date on grief!
Grief has no expiration date. It doesn't end within a set time period. There are still times that I experience immense grief over the loss of my mother, 13 years later. Two weekends ago, it hurt like it was yesterday. Today, I'm fine. I have found that there are triggers in life that spark the emotions and memories to flare and the desire to just hear her voice....one.more.time....
May she be joyfully celebrating her eternal life, my mom, Nancy Jo Doepping Hardesty 10/20/1951-12/29/2001
I have been working on this post off and on for over three years. With people all around me losing someone close to them, it's easy to shovel out advice on how to grieve, and get through. But, that advice is worth the paper it's written on, or in this case the price of the blog you read. I have found that everyone grieves differently. People say there are seven stages in grief, and that you can go through all of them at different times and go back through them, too. Ya' know what I haven't found though, the expiration date on grief!
Grief has no expiration date. It doesn't end within a set time period. There are still times that I experience immense grief over the loss of my mother, 13 years later. Two weekends ago, it hurt like it was yesterday. Today, I'm fine. I have found that there are triggers in life that spark the emotions and memories to flare and the desire to just hear her voice....one.more.time....
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Say What??
Sitting here recuperating from mono, and I come to the realization that I am going to have to make some life changes....again. Ugh... From what the ever-so-wonderful doc (did you read the sarcasm in that, cuz, I totally wrote it with it dripping in sarcasm....where is the sarcasm font, anyway?) said, I am not allowed to exercise for a month. She-who-shall-not-be-named also mentioned that I will be more fatigued for up to two months after mono has left my lymph nodes. Many people know that I do not lead a life that is slow, relaxed and easy - I love a life full of family, fun and it is fast paced.
Times, they are a changing...
So - back to the goal centered life...with a twist. Previously, I had goals about self-improvement that were, dare I say, vain? I don't know, but these goals are more about life in general and making it a little more easier. Not focused on weight loss (although, in a few months, maybe December, lol, I will be picking that goal back up!), these goals will be focusing on making sure I have less stress and an all around healthier life-style.
1. Sundays - worship, groceries and prepared for the week. Probably sneak a family visit in there, but really, maybe not. This is the best way that I can see for a great start to a week. Having the clothes that I'd like to wear ready for the week, having the clothes ready for the week for the boys and having the groceries bought and put away for the week. In the ideal world - this will make life wonderful.
2. Meals - pre-planned. This way, I can go to the store on Sunday and get everything and get it ready for what needs to happen. Me and that crock pot are gonna be best buds again...sigh. Guess that's next...
3. Recipes....Yuck, I hate cooking! But, with the challenge of making myself, and my family, a lot healthier, I have got to do this. Here's to as clean of eating as I can do.
4. Sleep. Yeah, I want sleep. I am going to have to break my habits of late nights and sleeping late in the mornings to early nights and getting up and eating breakfast. So, early to bed, early to rise and let's hope this girl becomes healthy, wealthy, and wise!!
Four goals....let's see how I progress on these and then we shall go from there.
Times, they are a changing...
So - back to the goal centered life...with a twist. Previously, I had goals about self-improvement that were, dare I say, vain? I don't know, but these goals are more about life in general and making it a little more easier. Not focused on weight loss (although, in a few months, maybe December, lol, I will be picking that goal back up!), these goals will be focusing on making sure I have less stress and an all around healthier life-style.
1. Sundays - worship, groceries and prepared for the week. Probably sneak a family visit in there, but really, maybe not. This is the best way that I can see for a great start to a week. Having the clothes that I'd like to wear ready for the week, having the clothes ready for the week for the boys and having the groceries bought and put away for the week. In the ideal world - this will make life wonderful.
2. Meals - pre-planned. This way, I can go to the store on Sunday and get everything and get it ready for what needs to happen. Me and that crock pot are gonna be best buds again...sigh. Guess that's next...
3. Recipes....Yuck, I hate cooking! But, with the challenge of making myself, and my family, a lot healthier, I have got to do this. Here's to as clean of eating as I can do.
4. Sleep. Yeah, I want sleep. I am going to have to break my habits of late nights and sleeping late in the mornings to early nights and getting up and eating breakfast. So, early to bed, early to rise and let's hope this girl becomes healthy, wealthy, and wise!!
Four goals....let's see how I progress on these and then we shall go from there.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Music
It's amazing how music can fill the soul, speak the mind and revitalize the spirit.
After sitting here in bed with mono for over a week, you'd think I'd do some thinking.....well, finally I have. It's interesting, how thoughts travel. An acquaintance of mine is heading off to go big into music and I wanted to share a few thoughts on music and how it has been a therapy to me.
Music has always been one of those happy spots for me. Typically, my house is filled with music. Pandora and I are pretty close, I have a few channels of music - but my go to fav's are one of three choices (an Eric Church channel, a kid's channel, and a Christian music channel). This is all post major-life change. Pre-major life change, music had fizzled out for me and I didn't have it to rejuvenate me.
I sing. I love to sing. I come alive singing. My soul fills when singing. But you may never hear me sing. I, at random times, will burst into song, but you may never hear more than a few bars of music. I have always been a little shy with my voice (which hopefully is changing). I have a song that is my go to "happy hum song," in a church, you'll hear me sing praises with joy. More recently, you'll hear me sing with my sweetheart and his guitar. If I'm not too awestruck at the moment.
After my major life change, one of the most important things I wanted to get back into my life was music. Here's where an acquaintance comes in. I don't know who introduced me to this person and his sound first. My friend Jamie had me listen to some tracks of his off the internet, and my friends Kate & John met me out a few times where he was performing with a relative. I'm just gonna admit it, I came alive again. It was like therapy. Jamie and I would go see him, Kate and I would go see him and then when another Kate and I started hanging out - we saw him every Thursday night for a while - we'd follow him! It was like therapy, he'd play from his soul, my soul became healed and stronger. Early on in this strange following, I met his wife - whom I think is awesome - and we'd dance. I'd always ask her to sing - it's like I could almost see myself singing when she was up there, baring her spirit for us all to see.
I'd like to think that LeaAnne and Billy have become friends of mine. They have certainly been an integral part of change in my life. It's amazing how people could never know the impact they've had on another's life. They assisted in re-igniting the fire in me. The music healed the hurt and anger. The infectious smiles from both of them made my smile happen more often. I looked forward to seeing them, hearing Billy's music, filling my life with friends, happiness and "good times."
Since this time, I must admit, that my followings have dwindled. Seeing Billy play and dancing with LeaAnne isn't a need I have to fulfill anymore. Those needs for igniting that fire have been met. Music is still with me. I frequently dance in my kitchen with my sons or my amazing man. Soon, again, it will be the seasons where things slow down, and I will be moved by music coming from a guitar in my living room, being played by the man who has stolen my heart.
The importance, though, of this: to thank someone, before they "go big." Billy Jones is on his road to success with a band, Hoosier Highway. Find them on iTunes. Find them on the road. Listen to them, support them. Share their music. Billy is an amazingly talented musician, and the band is too. Beyond that, Bill & LeaAnne are people, who just by living their lives, have made positive differences in others. Cheers to them and the success of HH.
Monday, April 1, 2013
The Journey to Diagnosis
A few years back, in April, a friend asked how we had gotten my son diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I told her that I would share that journey one day. Truly I had hoped to do it before now; however, with the life being so hectic, I just didn't know how to write it. We'll see how I do with it now. And I'm guessing that this will be a multiple part blog.....so here's attempt number one...
Gabriel was an easy baby. He was induced with pitosin and evicted naturally out of the womb with IV drugs only. He was jaundice, so much so that I think any other pediatrician would have put him in a blanket contraption. But Gabe truly was an easy baby. He smiled easily, laughed often and was easily contented. His lullaby put him to sleep almost every night with ease. I bragged about him eating almost everything, nursing like a champ and sleeping wonderfully! Going through the stages, I really don't remember any major problems with physical development, motor issues, but speech was another issue.
As a mom who is fluent in sign language, I exposed him early to signs. Typically, by six months normally developing children start signing. Well, Gabe didn't follow the typically developing child in this area. I thought to myself, huh, that's odd - but didn't really think a lot about it because I didn't know if I was doing ENOUGH to have him start signing back to me. After turning one and starting to babel a little, I got excited and tried to get him to communicate and get those verbal skills working!
Here's where my problems started. Notice I say, "my." I started noticing that Gabe was almost delayed in his speech and language production. With me teaching the Deaf & Hard of Hearing, I'm around speech pathologists all the time and am friends with quite a few of them. So, each one I knew, I asked what the deal is. And I got the same response, "Melissa, he is a boy, and he's within the normal range. Quit worrying! He's fine!" Love them all, because it made me feel good, and they were right - he was within the normal range and being a boy, he could have been later on the normal range than what he was. Trusting my friends and intelligent colleagues, I quit worrying.
Then it was the next school year and my kid was just plain weird! I remember sitting in a speech clinicians office at school and crying during one of our lunch gatherings, because my kid was developing wonderfully, but he was weird. I explained to my friend that my Gabriel at almost three years old was talking in paragraphs. When he did something, he held out until he really knew how to do it and then went full force. He didn't stay at the one and two word utterances like he was supposed to - he went to sentences and then jumped into paragraphs. I told them the story about how my aunt and uncle were watching Gabe, and he asked, "Where are my parents?" Not, "where's mommy and daddy," not "where's my momma," not an easy child-like thing to say - oh, no, it's skips right to the college educated kid, "where are my parents?" So this time, my speech friend kind of giggled and laughed. I was worried because my child who has college educated parents is speaking above the level of other children his age. That's ludicrous! Why would someone worry about that? Well, because I'm kinda a worrier, lol. So, my loving friend encouraged me to question my doctor about it since I am so worried......
Funny enough, it worked out that Gabe had some minor sickness and was in to our family's MD in the next few weeks. His dad took him in, and I urged him to inform the doctor about his speech patterns and level of expressive vocabulary, his skipping around in speech development. I plagued Gabe's dad to death about how worried I was over this miniscule thing. And, with full confidence that this would be addressed, they went into the doctor's office. The family MD is a wonderful guy and was nagged at by Gabe's dad about Gabe's language development; listing off everything on my list, however, the doctor saw no indication for concern. In fact, Gabriel was complimented for aforementioned language development, due to his statement of, "Can I have a lollipop, please, Dr. INSERT NAME HERE" By this point, I was done being concerned....all of my speech friends had been supportive and encouraging me that there were no problems, and now the doctor agrees there are no problems.
This is where I will stop on this post and say, "To be continued........."
Gabriel was an easy baby. He was induced with pitosin and evicted naturally out of the womb with IV drugs only. He was jaundice, so much so that I think any other pediatrician would have put him in a blanket contraption. But Gabe truly was an easy baby. He smiled easily, laughed often and was easily contented. His lullaby put him to sleep almost every night with ease. I bragged about him eating almost everything, nursing like a champ and sleeping wonderfully! Going through the stages, I really don't remember any major problems with physical development, motor issues, but speech was another issue.
As a mom who is fluent in sign language, I exposed him early to signs. Typically, by six months normally developing children start signing. Well, Gabe didn't follow the typically developing child in this area. I thought to myself, huh, that's odd - but didn't really think a lot about it because I didn't know if I was doing ENOUGH to have him start signing back to me. After turning one and starting to babel a little, I got excited and tried to get him to communicate and get those verbal skills working!
Here's where my problems started. Notice I say, "my." I started noticing that Gabe was almost delayed in his speech and language production. With me teaching the Deaf & Hard of Hearing, I'm around speech pathologists all the time and am friends with quite a few of them. So, each one I knew, I asked what the deal is. And I got the same response, "Melissa, he is a boy, and he's within the normal range. Quit worrying! He's fine!" Love them all, because it made me feel good, and they were right - he was within the normal range and being a boy, he could have been later on the normal range than what he was. Trusting my friends and intelligent colleagues, I quit worrying.
Then it was the next school year and my kid was just plain weird! I remember sitting in a speech clinicians office at school and crying during one of our lunch gatherings, because my kid was developing wonderfully, but he was weird. I explained to my friend that my Gabriel at almost three years old was talking in paragraphs. When he did something, he held out until he really knew how to do it and then went full force. He didn't stay at the one and two word utterances like he was supposed to - he went to sentences and then jumped into paragraphs. I told them the story about how my aunt and uncle were watching Gabe, and he asked, "Where are my parents?" Not, "where's mommy and daddy," not "where's my momma," not an easy child-like thing to say - oh, no, it's skips right to the college educated kid, "where are my parents?" So this time, my speech friend kind of giggled and laughed. I was worried because my child who has college educated parents is speaking above the level of other children his age. That's ludicrous! Why would someone worry about that? Well, because I'm kinda a worrier, lol. So, my loving friend encouraged me to question my doctor about it since I am so worried......
Funny enough, it worked out that Gabe had some minor sickness and was in to our family's MD in the next few weeks. His dad took him in, and I urged him to inform the doctor about his speech patterns and level of expressive vocabulary, his skipping around in speech development. I plagued Gabe's dad to death about how worried I was over this miniscule thing. And, with full confidence that this would be addressed, they went into the doctor's office. The family MD is a wonderful guy and was nagged at by Gabe's dad about Gabe's language development; listing off everything on my list, however, the doctor saw no indication for concern. In fact, Gabriel was complimented for aforementioned language development, due to his statement of, "Can I have a lollipop, please, Dr. INSERT NAME HERE" By this point, I was done being concerned....all of my speech friends had been supportive and encouraging me that there were no problems, and now the doctor agrees there are no problems.
This is where I will stop on this post and say, "To be continued........."
Monday, January 28, 2013
Lost to Found
Hello? Hello? Where have you been this past year?
I have been looking back over the past year and, although everyone goes through a lot, I've been through a lot. There's been nothing major, no news worthy events, no marriage, child, or death - just life. I'm very much a girl who loves her quotes about life and lives through them. Thanks to Dad and Grandma H. the deepest, strongest motto of my life has to be, "Life isn't fair, so learn to live with it!" That motto can be spoken in so many ways and is soooooooooo true. Once that's learned, there are so many more things to learn and accept and in the past twelve months - I have. Learned. Accepted. Wow. So - to sum it up in my style, let's do some through quotes/sayings/cliche's.
Happiness is not a destination, it is a way of life - or it is your journey. Although I have always known that happiness is not a place - not an end mark- not a location that you go to visit, it has been odd to find out how living a certain way, having positive habits and learning to love who you are is the way of life that makes happiness.
I'm coming to find out that part of the way of life of happiness includes being confident in your decision making processes, accepting your failures/faults, picking yourself up and moving on. I sincerely believe in being a humble person; however, I do believe that you have to be proud of yourself, your choices and who you have walking with you in life to have this happiness we speak of. Being happy is a choice, and includes who you have along with you on your journey. No, those people cannot be your happiness, but they can impact it, positively or negatively, by their actions on your path.
Music has been huge constant in my life. Pandora is like a heart beat in my house. It's constantly doling out the most recent addiction of music to uplift my soul and sing to my spirit. It ranges from Christian, country, seasonal, Adele, musicals and children's stations. Music brings out strong emotions and just completely revitalizes me. It's a part of me that I just can't put aside - ever. Never....never again will it stray from me.
I truly believe that there is a reason behind all the many things that I have endured, experienced, happily dealt with, and gone through. All of these things have prepared me for an unknown that is yet to come. And I believe this all because of this bible verse: Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Now - the last cliche for the night...
Considering I learn and grow from experiences, daily, it is my hope that the best of my life is still coming. Especially now that I have found so much of myself again. Life is about constant discovery and rediscovery and finding out who and how you are. Taking every day and learning from it. Taking all of your experiences and moving forward with the knowledge it gave you...
So, for my life - the best is yet to be.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Insecurities
So, I'm just wondering a little bit about insecurities.... I'm hoping everyone has at least one...I know I have a bazillion.
So, my best friend, Webster, defines insecurity as being not confident or unsure (among a few others, of course, because Webster is good like that, you know?). Interestingly enough, Webster also comments that insecure can mean not guarded enough. I'm taking a connection to both of those definitions and wanted to divulge a little quandary of mine.
I AM insecure, and I know it. I am also confident, and I know it. Is that an oxymoron? I'd like to explain.
My insecurities are not in myself; however, they are in what others think of me, how others react to me. Let's take, for example, a dating scenario. Dating isn't for the weak and insecure, it could seriously make a person batty (ha ha, I thought of you, K.). Two people meet and know nothing about each other - they don't know rituals, routines, wants, desires, needs, habits, lifestyles, preferences, likes, dislikes, etc. These two people find a physical attraction, hit it off and start dating. And so begins a bucket full of insecurities (I hope I'm not alone in thinking this) when one person starts to fall....like fall in like, or like fall in to wanting a person more, or one might say, begin to fall in love. I start to wonder and over analyze what the silence is, why did that person say that, do they understand my crazy wild sarcasm, what did they mean by that comment, is this the beginning of the end??????
Even in friendships, new and old, these insecurities (at least for me, that is) can find a way to push into the relationship. Friendships are ever-changing, they grow, and are fueled by need, but maintained by a desire to consistently communicate with that person. But as they ebb and flow, so begins a bucket full of insecurities....
Given these insecurities, I still am confident. I know that I am "worth-it" to some people. I know that I am a good person. I am confident that I am a good friend, and am confident and happy with who I am. I don't think I am the best, don't think me cocky....just comfortable knowing I am of value, not riches, but value.
So, my best friend, Webster, defines insecurity as being not confident or unsure (among a few others, of course, because Webster is good like that, you know?). Interestingly enough, Webster also comments that insecure can mean not guarded enough. I'm taking a connection to both of those definitions and wanted to divulge a little quandary of mine.
I AM insecure, and I know it. I am also confident, and I know it. Is that an oxymoron? I'd like to explain.
My insecurities are not in myself; however, they are in what others think of me, how others react to me. Let's take, for example, a dating scenario. Dating isn't for the weak and insecure, it could seriously make a person batty (ha ha, I thought of you, K.). Two people meet and know nothing about each other - they don't know rituals, routines, wants, desires, needs, habits, lifestyles, preferences, likes, dislikes, etc. These two people find a physical attraction, hit it off and start dating. And so begins a bucket full of insecurities (I hope I'm not alone in thinking this) when one person starts to fall....like fall in like, or like fall in to wanting a person more, or one might say, begin to fall in love. I start to wonder and over analyze what the silence is, why did that person say that, do they understand my crazy wild sarcasm, what did they mean by that comment, is this the beginning of the end??????
Even in friendships, new and old, these insecurities (at least for me, that is) can find a way to push into the relationship. Friendships are ever-changing, they grow, and are fueled by need, but maintained by a desire to consistently communicate with that person. But as they ebb and flow, so begins a bucket full of insecurities....
Given these insecurities, I still am confident. I know that I am "worth-it" to some people. I know that I am a good person. I am confident that I am a good friend, and am confident and happy with who I am. I don't think I am the best, don't think me cocky....just comfortable knowing I am of value, not riches, but value.
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