I Have to Admit....

I think I am worse than a guy, lol!  I will admit it.  I am commitment shy.  In my recent post about Matters of the Heart, I indicated that I am ready, so bring it.  Well, I am ready to have my heart broken, my feelings hurt and to get angry......

But, I am really, really commitment shy.  Maybe commitment isn't the right word - but what I'm afraid of something that kinda comes with the commitment - so....I guess I'm labeling it as commitment shy.  So, what am I afraid of?

I am afraid of losing me.  Wow!  Sigh.  There, I said it.  I guess now I can shout it from the roof tops!  I'm afraid that in another relationship, when I close all the doors and sit in a room by myself that I won't be happy.  That when I am all alone I won't feel confident, safe, relieved and happy. 

Now, don't get me wrong here, my ex and I certainly had our issues; however, HE, as a person, did not inflict this sense of losing myself upon me....I did.  I think my friends and family would say that I am a person who gives my all to them.  I am proud of that.  But with everything positive, there is a side of negative.  I as an optimist don't really focus on this, but today, I will. 

Let's say, you (and since I don't know if you, the reader, are a person I know and am friends with, or are a person I have never met, or are even a person that I'm not very keen about, you'll have to play along with me) and I are just becoming friends.  Let's say you and I are out walking around in the park somewhere conversating and it starts to rain.  Let's say, that I am feeling quite happy and uninhibited. Let's say, I, being me, start singing the song, Singing in the Rain, which is something I do a lot when it rains.  Singing that song makes raining a little less saddening to me.  And for this post to completely explain what I'm trying to express, let's say you become very embarrassed and tell me not to sing....

I will never sing with you again.

Ever......    never ever.......  never.

This is what I'm talking about.  I give you my all.  I try and do everything to make you happy as a person; to make you feel confident, comfortable and at ease, I will stop doing the things that make me happy, comfortable, confident and at ease.  And, sooner or later, I have changed myself to be around you.  Not by your choice of wanting me to be someone else, but by my choice of wanting to support you and lift you up.  I will do this to the extreme of denying the things that make me happy.  Yes, I understand, happiness is a choice.  For me, happiness is a choice of actions that increase the feeling.  These actions often times can be seen by another person as annoying, embarrassing, and immature.  Doing a "good-luck kick" down the hallway on a Friday-payday morning is the best thing ever!  Some people, I am sure, think that I am absolutely crazy for it.  I do it just to brighten my day, and it brightens my day even more when you laugh - but if you ask me not to do it, I won't ever do it again while I'm with you.  Even if it makes me happy. 

A relationship does work best if you put the other person first, and I fully plan on doing that; however, I need to find a harmonic balance between putting another person first and saving myself my own happiness.  I need to find that person to share in my happiness and like all the crazy, wild, funny, weird things I do.  One day, I will find the right person to compliment my style of happiness with his own happiness and smile at the things I do for fun.  Until then, I have to admit.....I'm commitment shy.  Afraid of losing my happiness, my true core-being, to someone who is embarrassed by my stunning silliness.